Title: Missing, Presumed Death
Author: Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
E-mail: snowshoe16@hotmail.com
Part: 12/?

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"Completely frozen over?"

"My demons called off eternal punishments to go ice-skating! The last time I saw him, Nixon was having a snow-ball fight with Mao!"

"Bummer. I like your sweater, by the way, Lucivar."

"Thanks, Mike. Mata Hari made it for me."

"Ha, I always knew you had a thing for her."

"Like you weren't interested in Joan of Arc."

Xander, Willow, and Giles watched in amazement as Michael and Satan chatted like old friends. Of course, Giles reminded himself, they were. Until the incident where Michael threw Satan out of heaven, that is...

"Er..." Giles paused, uncertain of how to step into the conversation. Luckily, though, he could always count on Xander to wade into battle and commit verbal mayhem.

"WHO IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE??" Xander shrieked piteously. The two divine beings (well, one was rather less divine than the other, but this isn't the time to quibble) looked slightly annoyed. Satan heaved a great sigh, and made a quick gesture (which to Giles seemed vaguely obscene) and his empty arms were suddenly filled with a large, very fluffy, very cute, white rabbit.

"Here," the Prince of Darkness said, handing the wiggling bundle to Xander, "this is your one true love."

As the bunny was passed to Xander, she (or at least, Giles certainly hoped it was female) suddenly stopped struggling, and gazed up at Xander with a look of utter adoration. Xander looked desperately at Willow for help, but the red-haired hacker was clearly charmed by the utter fluffiness of the bunny.

"Now," said Satan, clearly placed in a better mood by Xander's look of horror, "back to the group! You guys have a badminton game to play!"

Dazed, Xander lead the way back to the rest of the group, who were watching Death and Fate argue again, this time about china patterns. Apparently Fate had never liked the sickel-and-hourglass pattern that Death had picked out, and Death couldn't stand little flowers and scales.

Hanging back, Michael whispered to his old associate, "Why did you lie to the kid?"

With a smirk, Satan once again earned his rep as the Prince of Lies.

"When we finally get around to telling him that Larry is his one true love, he'll seem a step up in comparison to the bunny."

Michael nodded in understanding. "Nice plan, Lucivar. I guess that's why you always seem one-up on us."

Satan slung a companionly arm around his old friend. "Mike," he said, handing the angel a flask of brandy that he had retrieved from his pocket, "it's because we've got all the lawyers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, Irv, just what are the fish for?" Oz asked patiently for the 498th time.

Apparently that was the magic number, because Irv finally gave in and told him.

"If you can smack Larry over the head with a tuna, you won't have to use an axe."

"Why not?"

"Because that will turn him into the newest Hanson brother. It's a hard decision, and some will argue that we would just be doing him a favor by killing him, but the tuna is undoubedly easier."

"Also, cleaner." Oz noted. This was a difficult decision, and one that would require much thought....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Snyder flaunced into the Remedial Reading room, where Ethan was currantly sobbing over his slashed paycheck. Gesturing wildly with his one arm, he rallied Ethan to join him in a battle against the Mayor.

Realizing that the anti-Mayor movement was more important than his audit problems (besides, he was dead now. And while the IRS might very possibly have agents in Hell, he could pass on the audit to his next-of-kin) Ethan pulled out the seven bright green gems that Snyder had paid him back in Chapter Six.

Beginning a deep, mystical chant, he had Snyder frolic around the room in a tu-tu waving around the Smelly Herbs (tm) that are essential to any good casting. The tu-tu wasn't entirely necessary for the spell, but Ethan took the opportunity to take a few quick photos to send to the PTA mothers, a viscious group if he ever saw one.

At last, the final chant was sounded, and a huge flash filled the room.

When it cleared, Larry was sitting on the floor, looking quite confused, especially since there was now a sombrero on his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Okay, time to pick teams. Satan and I are going to serve as referees. Mainly because we really don't care who wins. Death, you are one team captain, and Buffy, you are the other."

Willow, in the meantime, was absorbed in petting the bunny that was Xander's One True Love, and so it fell to Fate to read the rest of the directions.

"Buffy, you have to have Giles on your team. Michael, tell my bone-headed ex-consort that he is required to have Angel on his team."

OH, VERY MATURE.

"Drop dead."

GET YOUR EYES CHECKED.

"That's Justice, you nitwit."

Giles quickly intervened before the fighting could escalate. "Um..er...where will we find Angel?"

Satan looked over at the Archangel. "He's your problem again, Mike."

"Geez. You know, all I get from that guy is whine, whine, whine. With a girlfriend as hot as the Slayer," Buffy raised her eyebrows at this statement. This was her first compliment from an archangel. "I know I certainly wouldn't be kvetching so much."

"Tell me about it." Satan rolled his eyes. "Even when he was Angelus again, it was always, Buffy-this, Buffy-that. It was really getting annoying."

"You were the one who helped out with the re-souling, weren't you?"

"Yeah, well, I know you gave Angel and Buffy a little push to-"

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" yelled a very brassed-off Slayer. "Just get Angel here so we can kick his ass at badminton. I really don't need to hear about how you've been playing ping-pong with his soul."

"Sorry." Satan said. With a snap of his fingers, Angel appeared before them.

And unfortunately, the vampire had been sleeping late that night.

"Aaaahh! Scarred for life!" Xander yelled as he held the rabbit up to shield his eyes. All the guys jumped and turned their backs, while all the girls exchanged grins as Angel gave a quick shriek and attempted to roll into a ball. The brooding vampire made a mental note to buy some pajamas.

With a quick snap of his fingers, Michael clothed the naked. He was hoping that he would get overtime for this. The guys all turned around to see Angel dressed in courderoys, loafers, and a red cardigan.

The howls of laughter echoed through the cemetary.

The ensouled vampire, sans his usual chic clothing, now looked like a geek. It was a proud day for all the guys. (well, except for Angel)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the Mayor opened the portal, out stepped the first of the masses of Hell.

Sandra (whose full name was actually Faith Kate Ashley Melissa O'Reilly-Shelligan-LaNina-Portacorara-Clinton) screamed in horror.

Wave upon wave of Singing Purple Dinosaurs stepped out.

"I Love You, You Love Me-"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Okay," Buffy said, "I choose Willow and Xander to be on my team."

"FINE," Death responded, "THEN I GET TO HAVE XENA AND LT. COMMANDER DATA ON MY TEAM."

There was a long silence, which was suddenly broken by....

"Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!!!!!!!!"

and....

"Greetings. I am Lt. Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise. I am an android. May I be of any assistance?"

Giles was looking slightly worried, but the younger Slayerettes gave him smug grins.

"Don't worry, Giles. He still has Angel." Buffy said. "There is no possible way that he can win with that guy on his team."

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To the stars, Bowen, to the stars