Title: Missing, Presumed Death
Author: Charlemagne
E-mail: tcp@zoomnet.net
Part: 14/?


On the badminton courts of Sunnydale the Scooby Gang, Satan, Michael, Angel (the vampire demon version not the holier than thou we use, and for anyone who's wondering how I have managed to type despite I'm fiction. I'M GOD!-Irv), Death, and Fate (not to mention such wonderful stars of other universes I had a hand in creating such as Commander Data and XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS!-Irv) had gathered to play a badminton game, which roughly speaking (and far too many chapters ago as the authors tried to figure out what to do-Irv) would determine the fate of the universe, Giles's marriage to the hot but not so nice Fate, and whether or not Xander would spend the rest of his life smooching a bunny.

"Does anyone here actually know HOW to play Badminton?" Buffy asked holding the strange feathery thing.

"OOOO OOOO ME ME! I KNOW HOW TO PLAY!" Death leaped up and down raising his racket.

"I tell you he makes a scene like this every time we go out, is it ANY wonder I want out of our relationship?" Fate spoke aloud as Satan cozied up and whispered "You know I have a nice secretary's position availa...AHHHHHHHEEEEEE!"

The later part was the ex-Light Bringer being wedgied and tossed into the sun by a large bearded guy wearing sandals and a toga. (I had just changed-Irv)

"OZ!" Willow shouted, seeing that the guitar playing werewolf carrying....strangely enough, a large pile of fish next to the titantically large old Testament looking figure.

"Ummmmm hey guys....."

"Who's *THAT*?" Buffy shouted, seeing the First having just been given a high school shot off the planet and REALLY NOT wanting to contend with another super powerful omni-being.

"And why are you carrying a handful of salmon?" Xander asked as he leaned over Willow, looking at the bunny that was eyeing him and holding onto his leg a little TOO affectionately.

"I know you're not going to believe this...." Oz said, having to explain the situation but keeping his cool about it.

"I'm God. I'm here to help Oz kill Larry or turn him into a Teeney Bop Idol." Irv spoke aloud as he sat down on a nearby badminton bench. It wavered under his weight. (You're complaining about my weight, author. I might have to send a fatal power surge if you continue....-Irv) before MIRACULOUSLY repairing under the handsome, thin, and intelligent Almighty's weight. (That's better-Irv)

"BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! AW, DANGIT, SOMEONE'S TAKING OUR COURT!" Death shouted, pointing out as Cordelia Chase's parents were going onto it. It was then Death made a gesture and they were both fatally struck by lightning.

"Okay, problem solved."

Everyone stared.


"Faith I know we haven't known each other very long but now I feel I really love you and you love me...let's go make a happy..." Barney was cut off as Faith lifted a knife to the Purple dinosaur's throat.

"If you say Happy Family I'll show you how your kind became extinct, child star." the rogue slayer spoke as the Mayor sighed, doing her nails.

"Sandra, I don't think you understand the necessity of Barney's appearance. He is the only evil in the universe whose horror is so strong that he can kill Death with a glance."

"Except for bunnies." Barney pointed out.

"Yes, but they all formed a Xander Harris fan club and won't cooperate with me as long as he's working with Death."

"Hiyuk." Barney spoke aloud as the Mayor blew on Faith's nails.

"No offense, Mayor, I think he's looking up my dress...." Faith stared at the dinosaur.

"Faith, that's ridiculous, he's in children's television. Can you name me ONE pervert in all of them...."


The badminton game was all set as Oz explained that Larry would be by for his late evening stroll, thanks to Irv's cosmic omnipotence.

"They have pills for that now you know." Xander pointed out, before he was struck by non fatal lightning.

"Owie." he spoke while Buffy tossed the Chase parents zombies into a trash bin while Death and Fate raided their cooler.

"OOOOO SPRITE!" Death spoke aloud lifting up a bottle of the magic clear elixir.

"Oz I have a confession to make to you...." Willow placed her hands on her beloved furball who could turn into a bunny now instead of a werewolf but was too afraid to contemplate it.

"Willow I..." Oz was wondering what horror could be so terrible.

"She's made out with Xander and is destined to be with Spike." Irv said popping the top off one of the Sprites as the werebunny stared in horror.

"Yeah speaking of which is there any way I can get my soulmate changed at the office?" Xander spoke aloud, wincing, expecting the worst.

"29.95 plus shipping and handling." Irv spoke aloud sipping his drink and willing their stock to go up 200 points.

"All I got is six bucks..." Xander realized in horror as God took it.

"Ok....Dang Simonist." and zapped him away.


At first Xander was dubious that what he'd always imagined God to actually be like hadn't taken kindly to his trying to get his soulmate changed for a mere six bucks. Especially given he had a twenty in his wallet but really had a wicked urge for some coke and ho hos on the way home but he was now lying in a bed somewhere in a cheap Sunnydale hotel and a beautiful woman at his side. The memories he'd shared with her having been instantaneous.

"Oh my...." he leaned back shocked at the sheer wow-ness of the experience.

"Mmmmmmmmm... Ms. Edith enjoyed watching you more than Spike or Angel." he heard his partner whisper.

"Uh oh." Xander thought realizing who he was in bed with.

He then heard a knocking at the door as a English voice said "Hey luv. Good news: since the innkeep is now a flesh eating zombie I saved enough on our room rent to get a chance to stop at "Grey's house of Shotguns". I will just love to show you the latest one, which I've loaded with incendiary rounds." from behind it.

Next Part

Shower Charlemagne with praise

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