Title: Missing, Presumed Death
Author: Charlemagne
E-mail: tcp@zoomnet.net
Part: 3/?



The Archangel Michael's perfect clean Tide white robes fluttered as he rapidly answered the dozens of ringing phones which magically appeared on his desk every time a complaint was entered and they were piling up FAST.

"Well I really don't see what's so improbably about him surviving a shark attack....Oh he doesn't have a head. Please hold.". Michael threw the phone down and put his hands to his head, he hadn't had this big a headache since Gabriel's last trumpeting session.

Death's vacation was having a lot worse consequences than Michael had expected and "HE" had asked the archangel to "take care of it". Grumbling somewhat, he called up Raphael and Peter to cancel their Sunday golf game then called up the one person in multiverse who might be able to sort this mess out. "Great and I was just about to beat my perfect score of 18."

Waiting a full seven minutes, the door of Michael's office opened and the breathtakingly beautiful celestial Fate walked in. Oddly enough, she bore a striking resemblance to a computer teacher/gypsy they had gotten in last year. Fate had on a smile on but Michael could tell she was a bit annoyed.

"Well Michael, this better be snappy, I'm whispering things into a WB executives ear about a new spin-off series."

Michael held up his hand "No time for that, I need you to go to Sunnydale and talk to Death.". Fate crossed her arms "I don't think so. Death and I are out, splits, no longer working together. I won't forgive him for breaking up so many of my fated matches."

Michael stared "Oh great......you're back on the whole shipping mess! Listen there are literally thousands of living eating zombies...." Fate kept on talking "Anthony and Cleopatra.....he wanted Cleopatra and Caesar ....Romeo and Juliet....Romeo and DESDEMONA for crying out loud.....I don't even WANT to know what he's thinking of doing when I try and set up Willow and Xander."

Michael held his head, if he knew Fate, this was probably going to last a decade or two and "HE" would have a hissy fit (which was NOT a pretty and was a very earth shattering thing to see) if it took that long to fix it all. "Fate, seek the one known as Rupert Giles and inspire him to get Death back to work! Either that or do it yourself."

Fate looked indignant and pouting turned around and walked out, slamming the door which created a deafening thud that shattered all of the perfect crystal clear windows in Michael's office. "FINE!". Michael shaking it off then picked up the receiver of a chiming phone "Uh huh......your a hit man.....we usually don't take calls from your profession....I see, every mob boss in Italy.....now after your flesh....Assuming you survive I hope this teaches you a valuable lesson."


Death talked with Buffy on top of a nearby tombstone as she said "So....like why didn't you take me way back two summers ago?" as Death said "TRUST ME. I HAD HAD A *VERY* LONG DAY.....TERRORIST BOMBS, PLAGUE IN CHILE...THEN THE MASTER COMES ALONG AND WANTS TO ADD THE ENTIRE WORLD TO THE LIST...I SAID THE HELL....OR LACK THEREOF WITH IT."

Buffy smiled, her friend here was actually allot more pleasant to be around than she would have expected the living embodiment of entropy to be. "So where do you keep the scythe?" Buffy said noticing that the cardigan wearing skeleton really had very little room for the traditional weapon.

Death then reached into his coat pocket and removed an oval red object with a cross on it, that quickly shot out a large silver-ish sickle. "I'M TRAVELING INCOGNITO, SO I THOUGHT I WOULD JUST TAKE MY SWISS ARMY SCYTHE. MY REAPERS SWEAR BY THIS.". Buffy nodded and said "I can't wait to see the can opener."

Willow and Xander then walked up, Xander having a large lipstick Willow-lips shaded kiss on his cheek, and Willow looking slightly ruffled. Buffy looked at the two incredulously while Death frowned. Willow spoke first "Hey Buffy, we were just ummm checking the perimeter."

Seeing Buffy not believe this Willow elaborated "Oh we were ummmm attacked by umm a...vampire. A female one who threw me around." Xander realizing the kiss on his cheek, then said "Yeah, a kissing vampire!", Willow went on "Xander ummm killed it though and.....ummm we're back."

Death obviously not happy about something then pointed out "I DIDN'T TAKE THE DEMON'S SOUL. SO YOU DIDN'T KILL HER." Buffy looked back at Willow as Xander then said "But hey, demons don't HAVE souls so then you would....I'm arguing with the Grim Reaper....I'll shut up now.". "OH WELL, VAMPIRES ARE A REAL PAIN WHEN IT COMES TO COLLECTING. THEY KEEP MESSING UP MY COUNT."

It was at that point that outside the cemetery two cars then collided and exploded in a fiery burst of light. The three Scooby gang members stared in horror then looked back at Death as he said "FORGET IT, I'M ON VACATION. THEY CAN GET THEMSELVES OUT OF THIS JAM."


Mr. Trick, fully vamped out and his five thousand dollar suit torn to shreds threw the zombie cheerleader with all his might into the Sunnydale High gym's storage closet and slammed the door, taking a key from his side and locking it. Trick turned back to his human form and leaned back on the pounding door, letting a series of heavy though totally unnecessary breaths out.

"I haven't had to work this hard for a meal since Washington." Trick said remembering his employment in the dark vaguely demonic organization he had been employed in.

Slapping his hand's together while he looked back at the pounding, but for the time being trapped spirit, Trick then said "Now to get a subcommittee on this whole Death thing assembled.". Trick had nothing personally against the man, heck he had been an admirer of his work ever since he had crossed over, but if this was happening all over the world then Trick had to stop it.

"Doctors unemployment, Funeral services kaput, we'll have to scrap Medicare AGAIN...." Trick was lost in thought when he spied the principle of the High School walking over. Despite the fact he was missing and arm and was mutilated beyond recognition, he looked better than usual.

"What happened to you?" Trick said as Snyder replied "The strangest thing, everything was going normally this morning; I got up, ate breakfast, cut off this obnoxiously slow driver in a Saab and gave him a gesture appropriate to how he was driving, but when I got to the High School....I was devoured by my fax machine."

Trick sighed "Was he wearing a cardigan? Ah well.....life on the Hellmouth is rough. Listen the Mayor in his infinite wisdom, blah blah omnipotent might has asked us to take care of Death and if your appearance is any clue we got to do it before his vacation ends and he collects you...or me since it's been a while since these could kill me myself." Trick said lighting a cigarette.

Snyder rambled on as he said "Well at least the school board will believe me when I tell them I am having trouble. They better give back my arm. I've GOT IT!" Snyder then said lifting his one remaining hand. "I know how we can beat Death!". Trick listened silently as Snyder whispered his plan, the demon smiling. "Oh that's good...."

Next Part

Tell Charlemagne that you love him

Run out that door marked 'Exit'