Summary: Xander went to see Dogma.... With ANGEL??? My God, what is the world coming to...
Author's notes: Okay, this is the type of idea that gets stuck in a Kevin Smith fan's head while stuck at home sick after seeing Dogma. If you haven't seen the movie, this won't make much sense, sorry. Also, just assume Xander was in LA for some reason. Don't ask me to think up one, that would take too much energy. AND, you also have to assume there are train stations at LA and Sunnydale. Just be quiet and humor the fanfic writer, okay??
Rating: Definitely R. C'mon, if you've seen a Kevin Smith movie, you knew that was a given....
Dedication: To all Kevin Smith fans.... Read and Enjoy!
Xander fell limply into his train seat, staring at Angel as though he had just spouted another head. Actually, since Xander had lived on a Hellmouth for a good number of years, he probably wouldn't have been staring at Angel this hard if he *had* grown the head.
Finally, too uncomfortable under the young man's stare to barely move, Angel let out a frustrated sigh and glared at Xander. "What!?" He snapped.
"You laughed," Xander stated simply, a certain amount of awe in his voice.
"So?" Angel asked. "We went and saw a Kevin Smith movie, Xander. You didn't think I would laugh?"
"But.. Doesn't laughing break one of your scared Brooding Rules?" Xander asked in return.
"Don't push it, Xander," Angel grumbled. "It's bad enough I have to be on this train to take you back to Sunnydale."
"Hey! You don't have to be here, DeadBoy!" Xander retorted after looking around. Even he wasn't stupid enough to get into a fight with Angel when there were people around. Cause then all his witty sarcastic remarks just had to be thrown out the window to keep the vamp's cover.
"Yes, I do," Angel replied. "Doyle had a vision, of you on this thing in trouble. And besides, Cordelia wouldn't let me leave you alone."
"She wouldn't?" Xander's head whipped to face Angel, a surprised, softer tone coming out of his mouth.
Angel shrugged. "She said something about being afraid you'd accidentally throw yourself off the train... Not really sure. But I take it to mean she still cares about you."
"Wow... I never would've--" Xander shook his head, as if waking up. "Wait a second! You've totally digressed here."
"You, laughter... that insanely alien noise I heard come from your mouth."
Angel sighed again. "What is weird about me laughing?"
"Well, considering the fact I've never heard you laugh except when you were Mister 'Look At Me, I'm In Tight Leather Pants, So I'm Evil' Guy. I never understood why you couldn't just hold your pinky over your mouth and stroke your bald cat."
Angel stared at him blankly. "Excuse me?"
"Christ!" Xander jumped from his seat, looking heavenward. "This man, how somehow owns Clerks on homevideo, doesn't even get an Austin Powers Reference!" He looked over to Angel. "And just when I thought there was hope for you."
"God, Xander, just sit down and sh--" Angel stood up, in the process of pulling Xander down, when the car's door shattered in, and several large, fully vamped members of the undead spread out into the room.
"You!" The leader cried, pointed at Angel. "Souled One!"
"Hmm, not very original, yet I don't remember hearing it before," Xander commented.
"At least give them credit for trying," Angel replied, falling into a natural defensive position.
"True.... Yet, I believe if you weren't with me, I wouldn't be in trouble, Angel," Xander said, giving him a pointed look, that the vampire promptly ignored.
"You and your friend will die this night!" The leader announced boldly.
Xander sighed softly, pulling a stake from his jacket. "Well, y'know, I'd usually go for my Tick battle Cry of Spoon..... But, in honor of Kevin Smith...." He glanced over to Angel. "Care to join me?"
Angel gave him a wary look. "Umm, how about I just be Silent Bob in this case."
"Whatever, Deadboy." Shrugging slightly, Xander leapt into the vampires, catching them off guard as he yelled at the top of his lungs, "SNOOTCH TO THE MOTHER FUCKIN' NOOTCH!!!!"
And so the battle began in earnest.
During one point of the battle, in which both Angel and Xander were holding up, yet had lost their stakes, the leader was busy trying to pummel Angel, setting up this short exchange...
"You! You stink of soul!"
"Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don't know," Angel growled, blocking a punch.
"You masturbate more than *any* other man on the face of this earth!" Xander's voice cheerfully floated down to Angel's ears.
"Xander!" Angel snarled, jabbing the leader in the chest.
"One of us will die this night, Angelus," The leader growled.
"I know that! Sheesh, tell me something I don't know!"
"You think about guys while you do it!"
Pushing the leader into a seat, Angel stormed up to Xander who was snickering even while hastily blocking blows. "You want me to just let them kill you, Xander!?"
"Then the Gang would kill your ass," Xander stated in a matter of fact tone, before receiving a punch in the jaw.
"Thanks," Angel commented to the vampire, just before knocking him.
"Not funny," Xander muttered, holding his hands to his mouth.
"Look, we gotta get rid of these guys, and we don't have any wood around..." Angel's eyes met with Xander's a moment.
"You get them over there, I'll hold the door."
And so, Xander and Angel dispatched of the vampires by throwing them off of the train. Xander slowly tugged the door shut, catching his breath, glancing around the room. He saw a young couple huddled near the doorway, staring at him and Angel like frightened rabbits.
After quickly exchanging a look, they both turned to the couple and told them casually. "No ticket."
As Angel shut the door behind the couple, Xander flopped into a seat, nursing his hurt jaw, that was already forming a nice purplish bruise.
"You know... I almost don't believe that worked," Angel commented, breaking the heavy silence that had settled.
Xander looked up at him, and shrugged. "Never underestimate the power of Kevin Smith."