Title: The Parallel Universes
Author: Siobhan and Catherine Mckiernan
E-mail: quidnuncs@hotmail.com
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG-13 (for themes and risque humor)
Disclaimer: Neither I nor Catherine own any characters listed (except for Goldy) and no copyright infringement of Buffy The Vampire Slayer or Terry Pratchett is intended. Unless you want it to be, Mr. Lawyer, sir.

*** In 1 000 000 universes, The Hellmouth Demon was successfully vanquished.

In 999, 999 universes, the Hellmouth Demon was successfully vanquished, but not before it ate Buffy and gave birth to triplets.

In 886 002 universes, the Hellmouth Demon arrived in the library, frenched Giles and then went back to Hell in order to catch the latest episode of Melrose Place.

In 700 098 universes the Hellmouth Demon's "true face" was revealed to be that of Principal Snyder.

In 567 890 universes the bomb in the basement went off and spread the Hellmouth Demon, the scooby gang and Jack across the scenery for two and a half kilometres.

In a multitude of universes, this incident never occurred at all. the Sisters of Jhe were in fact a Spice Girls tribute band who were trying to break America.

In 458 745 universes, a young Irish man named Angel from Galway had scores of illegitimate children. Unfortunately for Angel, he became a vampire and so set about drinking his descendants. However, one young girl escaped and emigrated to America. She married and had many children. And in 1981, Angel's first great-great-great grandchild was born. And in 1996, they met. And Xander has hated his great-great-great grandfather ever since, on account of him "stealing his girlfriend".

In 436 922 universes, Angel never became a vampire. he died of syphillis at the age of 52.

However, in 42 of these universes, Angel did meet a beautiful American woman named Darla. After following her down a darkened alley, Angel was horrified to learn that "Darla" was actually "Darren" and the exciting world "she" promised him was the exciting world of cross-dressing.

In 20 067 universes, Angel never murdered Ms. Calender. Instead, she attacked him by using her third arm to runch him in the groin and the distinction gave her time to make her getaway.

In 13 023 universes, Angel never lost his soul.

In 23 universes this is because before they did the deed, Buffy rolled over on to the remote control, turning on the television and they decided that the Dawson's Creek marathon showing on WB was likely to provide more fun than anything that involved taking their trousers.

However, in 13 000 universes, this was because he couldn't get it up.

In 12 086 universes no-one noticed when twenty four hours became miraculously compressed into the half-hour which it took Cordelia to change into something trashy(er).

In 9887 universes, the Judge was so surprised to be the guest of honour at Drusilla's party that he treated Spike and Dru to a strip-tease. They were so horrified by this that they dismembered him themselves and put him in the punch.

In 40 of these universes, the greatest shock was the revelation of a tattoo of a wreath of red roses surrounding the legend "Get it Here" upon the demon's chest.

In 8564 universes, the Master rose at the Harvest and Willow and Xander became vampires.

In 234 of these, Willow was transported into a world where she was still human. in some of these, she vamped her dimensional counterpart and together they succeeded in taking over the world.

In some of these, she didn't.

But in all of these, she was gay.

In 34 of the universes where Willow was a vampire, when Oz tried to push her on to a sharp protrusion of wood, he was astonished to discover that the wood had miraculously transformed into a goldfish. Willow therefore seized the opportunity and broke Oz's neck. The fish, though surprised, was unhurt and to thank it for saving her life, Willow sired him, and thus Goldy the Goldfish became the first undead aquatic animal. However, he was not quite the terror of the tank she had expected, as no matter how many times Willow repeated herself, he had a tendency to forget how to feed himself within three seconds of being taught.

In 7786 universes, the Master was in fact a deranged man in prosthetic makeup who went out for a burger whenever he thought someone wasn't looking. the fact that he drank Buffy's blood and went o to open the Hellmouth is purely coincidental.

In 6574 universes, there was a mix-up and the Annointed One was actually a small sheep named Lamb-Chop.

In 4444 universes, Faith and Xander slept together.

In all 4444 of these universe, Xander had a good time.

In 2, so did Faith.

In 3456 universes, Giles was astonished when, after telling Wesley that he had the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone, Wesley actually turned into one. Giles decided that this was no great loss to humanity and ate him.

In 3181 universes Principal Flutie was not devoured, but led a long and happy life. This was because Buffy's classmates were not possessed by the spirits of hyenas, but by those of the zoo's new koala bears.

In 2452 universes, Faith revealed the Mayor's human weakness to be an irrational fear of hummous.

In 2323 universes, the Scoobies successfully used this knowledge to vanquish their foe.

However, in 129 universes, the closest they could find was taramasalata and the Mayor was not only able to defeat their feeble attack, but enjoyed the tasty relish as a side dish.

In 1976 universes, Willow's fear that Xander would be killed by a giant praying mantis proved unfounded. This was due to his best-kept secret; a lost bet at his cousin's wedding, involving a flipped coin and a sheep.

In 1888 universes, Jesse did not die. however, his brush with the undead proved so traumatic that thereafter he could only express himself by singing lines from The Sound Of Music.

In1745 universes, after being bitten by his cousin Jordy, Oz did not become a werewolf. However, he did have to be restrained three days a month, as the full moon unfortunately provoked an uncontrollable desire to perform a strip-tease whilst singing a heart-felt rendition of "I Feel Pretty".

In 678 universes, Xander asked Buffy to the Spring Fling.

In 299, she ripped his heart out.

In 48, she did this literally.

In 27, she then fed it to Angel.

In 16, she and Willow used the heart to play, "how long will it stick to the ceiling?".

And in 1, she accepted his invitation.