TITLE: Revenge: Prologue (The Fic Gods)
AUTHOR: George Mori
EMAIL: morig@cwtel.com
RATING: PG-13, mainly suggestion, some eww stuff too.
SYNOPSIS: The gods of fan fiction try to find a way to bring balance to Buffy fics. Comedy/Parody/Commentary
DISCLAIMER: Buffy and the Scooby Gang aren't mine, nor are any of the anime characters I reference, nor is Dawson, so, nyeah Conti, Chara, Detail, and Twist are mine, so no disclaimers on them.
NOTES: Just my little take on the whole revenge fic thing, and my way at poking fun at the whole die hard Angel community and myself. Yes, myself too. So don't get all postal.
DEDICATED: To Lex, Pam, and all the other Xander haters out there. You guys gave me the inspiration to do this, that and the whole revenge and torture fics you all do. Also dedicated to all of us who like B/X if you don't well, too bad. (Don't worry, this is NOT an overt B/X fic, in fact Xander even in it.) Also dedicated to the one positive response to my posts. = )

Anyhow, please tell me what you think, I'm curious as to how many people get some of the in jokes. But hey I come from a heavy Anime fan fic background.


The Fic gods surveyed the world below, it was crazy, not TOO crazy, no, that was reserved for the land of Ranma fan fiction, and this little sect paled in comparison to what THAT had wrought over the years. But then again, the Buffy writers had only been doing this for a couple of years now.

The large screen that stood before them was the main control center of Fic Valhalla, where Kami-sama asked them to police and control out of line fic ideas. It was a hellish job. With little respect, on the screen they watched Angel and Buffy shagging like minks.

"So, why are we here again?" Twist asked. "Ok, yeah they are all supposedly fanatic, but we've been there before." He was the smallest of the fic gods, and his glasses belied his incredible power, as did his small voice.

A larger god answered him. Wider of berth, and with a droning voice Detail began "To bring balance to the fics as usual."

"I know that!" Twist replied slightly agitated. "But what exactly are we supposed to balance?"

"Well, according to our paper here, we have a large vehement group of fans that are rather set against certain turns of events." It was Chara, one of the female gods. She looked incredible and down right sexy in the gossamer robe she was wearing, and her blond hair cascaded around her shoulders.

Twist sighed. Again, last time he did this they started a huge amount of Nabiki/Ranma fics, and that was frightening enough. "So, what are the characters?"

Chara spun around making Twist nearly feint. "I think, it the meat of it was started by a rabid group of fans who hate hate anyone other than the character they want to end up with Buffy."

"Who?" Detail asked.

"Sorry," Chara responded " The main character in this universe." Detail nodded his understanding. "As I was saying, apparently these followers of Angel, are so vehemently opposed to anyone other than him, that they inflict torture upon the other possible male love interests."

"Well," Twist responded, it can't be worse than the Aeka/Ryoko war can it?" Chara just looked at him. "You can't be serious, that was hell."

Detail nodded.

"So," said Chara as she hit a few invisible buttons on the cloud control panel. "Who should we call for backup?"

Detail considered this. "Well since, we have some potentially flammable issues here, as well as this being a new series for us, I think we need Conti."

"No problems here" Twist went up next to Chara and tried to slyly cop a feel. His hand was slapped for the effort.

Chara brought up Conti's file. The God of Continuity he helped fics stay within or define the continuity, it was his business to know all known universes of a fic. He was tall, his skin was a patchwork of several colors, and his hair went into several styles at once. She hit the enter key, and in a second Conti was there.

"You called?" Conti's voice was a combination of radically different tones. It sounded almost computer generated.

"Nice to see you. We need the lowdown on the universe of an American TV show called Buffy: The Vampire Slayer." Chara turned to the others. "Ready?"

"Oh, please we survived his dissertation on the several Tenchi Muyo universes this should be a piece of cake." Twist shuddered as he remembered that discussion, 72 hours straight of flow charts and graphs discussing how everything related.

"I'll be with you all in a minute" Conti said as he began to download all available info on Buffy. A few seconds later it was over.

So, Conti began, over the next sixty hours the gods watched every episode of Buffy, and were briefed on the current hot topics of discussion. The were told of the fanfic trends, and were given a tour of discussion groups. Then it was over, and the gods surveyed what was left.

"So, if I'm clear" Detail asked. "Our main problem is the over obsession with the main love interest."

"Yeah, and the complete denial of any 'moments shared between Buffy and Xander." Chara said.

"Then we have this obsession with getting Buffy and Spike together, AND Buffy and Giles." All the gods shivered at the last two.

"If this doesn't stop we'll have riots in the streets." Chara said. "Something has to be done."

"So what do we do?" Detail said. "Convince the other side of their folly?"

"Fat chance," Twist responded. "Did you know how impossible it is to change someone's opinion over the net?"

Chara nodded. "Remember the anti Shampoo pogroms?"

Ah, yes the dark side of fan fiction, where some crazed Ranma fans threw all the fans of a certain character into concentration camps. Many didn't survive THAT little fiasco.

Twist nodded "So we have no time to lose."

Detail went next. "So what are our options? A torture fic is probably bad. That could just start a nasty upheaval."

Chara "We could find a nice medium, some new guy who fits all criteria for both sides."

Twist looked over the reports. "So we need a dark, yet light, happy, yet mopey, powerful, but human character. Can we say paradox here?"

Conti put in his two cents as he came out of the shadows. "Have you considered Universe jumping?"

Chara thought about it. "Cross overs could bite us in the ass."

"But let's not rule it out." Detail mused. "Insanity could just be what this series needs."

"So, what were you thinking D?" Twist was curious now. "Ranma? I sure as hell hope not, and you're not going Dawson or anything like that are you?"

Detail shivered. "Dear God no! I was thinking more along the lines of one Tenchi Masaki. Insanely Powerful, human, light and happy. Rather goofy around the opposite sex. Then we have the immortality that is so important to the Angel obsessed, and young enough to counter the age argument on the Xander side."

Chara shook her head. "Ryoko will kill her."

Detail wasn't sure what she meant and voiced it.

"Buffy, Ryoko will kill Buffy, period. Assuming we could get Tenchi to admit feelings for anything other than a good meal."

Detail shrugged "But Buffy IS the slayer. She should be able to hold her own?"

"Against Ryoko, fat chance I mean she's one of the most powerful beings in the universe." Twist sighed.

Then the screen flashed on. The scene was the interior of Angel's house, Scott Hope was tied to some nasty looking table and instruments of torture lying all around. Angel and Buffy walked into the scene.

Chara indicated the scene. "Well, while we mull over stupid couplings let's check out this latest feed. It'll help get in the heads of the fanatics.

What followed was one of the most disgusting scenes of torture in the history of the world, well, not that bad but bad. Poor Scott was attacked using implements the gods hadn't seen in a long while. A loud crunching and slurping sound emanated from the screen and both Buffy and Angel took great pleasure in eviscerating the poor boy.

"I think I'm going to be ill." Twist moaned as the cacophony of blood splatter, ripping flesh and screams echoed.

Conti shrugged. "We've seen worse." They had, the Ranma revenge wars were incredibly nasty,

"Twisty got sick then too." Chara added.

A loud shot echoed through the room, followed by a blood curdling shriek. The gods all let out an 'eww' for that one.

"I haven't seen such creative use of something like that since 'Ill Met by Starlight'" Detail added as he averted his eyes.

Then the struggles ceased, followed shortly thereafter by wet slurping sounds and moaning.

"They're not..." Twist was dumbfounded.

"They are." Chara was a little sickened too.

Several minutes later, it was over. The gods didn't want to believe what they had just seen. The room was silent.

"Well, that was a interesting little revenge fic," Detail said to break the ice "But, where was the heart?"

Conti answered. "Right there, see it's halfway up Buffy's..."

"That's quite enough of that." Twist so didn't want to hear the end of the sentence. "I don't think D meant that literally."

Chara shuddered. "This has got to stop." She looked to see the other gods were in agreement. "This changes everything, we need to do a shock treatment."

"I have to agree." Detail conjured a white board. "So what exactly should we do?"

"We need to stop this that's what, this whole, dark incredibly handsome guy getting the girl is horribly outdated, why do you think Anime quit it a while ago."

"What's wrong with handsome?" Chara was a little irked.

"So I'm guessing you want me to spark a mid to post third season scenario. But who would be stupid enough to post a story like that in such a polarized front." Conti said as he shrugged off Chara's comment.

"Well," Twist said looking over some impure-l transcripts "we do have this crazy guy who was dumb enough to actually question Angel and suggest Xander. I think he'd make a good patsy."

Detail objected. "They'd rip him apart."

Conti shrugged. "All, part of the good fight, and while the nuts focus on him we can spark more free thinkers."

Detail nodded. Twist did too. "Ok, I'm gonna go off and spark him."

Chara still needed to know. "What's wrong with handsome?"

* * *

Somewhere in the middle of a suburb of Miami named Coral Gables, a man by the name of George Mori got an idea. It was nuts, but it was just what was needed.

To the escape pods....