Title: 1999 Teen Choice Awards
Author: Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
Part: 1/1
Disclaimer: I claim insanity!

Warning!

I insult Dawson's Creek, Brittany Spears, Tara Lipinsky, and many others in this fic. But those three are the main victims. If you like any of them, dare ye pass no further!

~~~~~~~~~~~

"And the winner is.....Dawson's Creek!"

For a long moment, all was silent in the room. Then, a shriek of sheer outrage emerged from the petite (5'2 is *not* short) girl curled on the couch.

As the actress walked towards the stage to claim her surf-board (which was truly a rather strange thing to use in place of trophies - but, hey, what can you expect from people who actually gave one to Brittany Spears) from the woman from Charmed and the guy in a suit-jacket and his underwear (something which no doubt many of the viewers could've done quite nicely without, thank you) a stuffed cushion was hurled towards the TV.

Had the TV been able to, he would undoubtedly have given a sigh. He had really hoped to have avoided the pillow throwing tonight. After all, Sarah Michelle Geller had won for Best Television Actress and Jennifer Love Hewitt had won for Best Hottie. It had been a close call when Freddie Prince Jr. had beaten Ben Affleck, but things had been going smoothly right up until now. It was enough to make any TV sigh.

Unfortunately, the long-suffering TV was an inanimate object. So sighing wasn't really an option.

Robyn curled into an even smaller ball (small because she was flexible, and in no way because she was of a dimunitive size!) and considered throwing another cushion. She couldn't believe that BtVS was being cheated out of this award! Watching one episode of Dawson's Creek had quickly convinced her that the writers had all the brains collectively as a bowl of oatmeal mush, and she had happily restricted her WB viewage to BtVS.

"They need to recount those votes!" Robyn shrieked. Still grumbling, she took a long drink out of her Sprite. Suger healed all woes.

Her brother was on a date, and her mother had gone to visit a psychic, so when she heard a high-pitched voice beside her, it was quite understandable that Robyn should jump about a foot and give a suspiciously-close-to-a-shriek-like-yelp. "You're right," the ferret chittered, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer was meant to win the award. This was work of a shadowy presence, though. One that goes all the way to the top levels."

"The guy wearing just his underpants?" Robyn guessed, noting in an absent way that the ferret's fur was actually more of a puce....

"Um, no, that guy is just seriously disturbed." the ferret said, studying the stunned writer with his/her/it's beady orange eyes.

"What are you?" asked Robyn (who wasn't paying attention to the script anyway - which is the main reason that her questions were a bit screwed up)

"I am Plot Hole." said the ferret. "I've had many dealings with you before, just in different forms."

"Oh.......nice to see you." Robyn carefully shook paws/hands with the ferret.

"You have been Chosen, Robyn." the ferret stated, staring at her intently. For a second, she thought that it was just a dramatic gesture - but then she realized that it was just because she wasn't wearing her glasses. Things tended to look a little scewed without them.

"Does this mean I'm going to have to go out and Slay vampires?" Robyn asked, "Because I really don't have much of a social life as it is."

"Wrong kind of Chosen." Plot Hole assured her, "You have been Chosen to right the wrongs-"

"Like the Crow?"

"No, not like that either. Will you just be quiet and let me finish?"

"Not likely, but I'll try."

"I appreciate that. *Anyway*, you have been Chosen to track down the sick, sick puppy who would do such a heinous deed."

"Oh. Spiffy." Robyn looked around, and when no mystical sword/wormhole/taxi appeared, she turned back to Plot Hole, "Soooo....how do I get wherever I'm supposed to be?"

The ferret just rolled his/her/its beady little eyes. "Didn't you pay attention? I'm a *PLOT HOLE*. You know, I do all sorts of things. Pretend that Jenny didn't die, let Willow find a spell that will amazingly make Angel into a human or remove Oz's werewolfiness, or have Spike and Buffy meet up and ten minutes later start doing the nasty."

"*Oooooh*." Robyn said. As understanding dawned on her, she found herself in a shadowy alcove of the Teen Choice Awards, right next to Brittany Spears.

After shoving the twit off of her seat (beause, hey, there are some things that just *have* to be done) Robyn looked around the stage quickly. The actress from Dawson's Creek was still accepting the surf-board from the guy in his un-mentionables, so there was still time.

Just then - so convieniently that it was quite obvious that Plot Hole was still at work - she saw a hooded figure sneaking off-stage, holding two of the envelopes containing the names of the winners.

Fortunately, the shadowy figure had stepped on Jennifer Love Hewitt's dress, causing both to crash to the ground. Appologizing to the outraged actress gave Robyn the time to get over there at a liesurely stroll. Reaching the pair, she calmly kicked the shadowy figure in the rear, causing him/her/it to fall to the ground in a graceless heap. Robyn made a mental note to thank Plot Hole. She doubted that he had worked this hard since the days of Scooby Doo.

With the envelopes in one hand, and dragging the shadowy figure by the lapels of his jacket with the other, Robyn marched up to the podium. Shoving aside the both the babbling actress and the sputtering presenters, she pulled down the mike (not because she was short, but because the previous users were just abnormally tall).

"I believe that these are the *REAL* winners." Robyn said. Knowing better than to mess with a seriously brassed off fanfic writer, the audience sat still and shut up.

Cracking open the envelope easily, Robyn read, "The winner of the Best Female Athlete is.....Michelle Kwan!"

The cheers of the audience nearly overwhelmed the horrified squeak from Tara Lipinsky. Little witch that she is.

As the shouting died down and the surf-board given to its rightful owner (if only the gold medal could be given over as well - sigh) Robyn read the words that everyone knew were coming.

"And the winner of the Best TV Drama is.....Buffy the Vampire Slayer!"

These words recieved a standing ovation as Sarah Michelle Geller, Charisma Carpenter, and Alyson Hannigan came out to bear the surf-board away gleefully.

"But who was the shadowy figure?" asked Ben Affleck (who had been reading the script)

Grabbing the shadowy figure by the collar, Robyn revealed the evil one.

"Jamie Kellner!" gasped the audience.

"You snot-nosed weasel!" yelled Brandy.

"I would've gotten away with it, too," yelled Kellner, "If it weren't for Josh and his little goat!"

"His name is *JOSS*!" said Charisma, who had re-entered the stage area (because she had left her keys on the podium), as she slammed her fist into Kellner's nose.

And there was much rejoicing. And BtVS and Angel were moved onto Fox, where Joss could write whatever stories he wanted without having to worry about the twerps at the WB.

And it was good.

THE END