TITLE: Thirteen life lessons I have learned from BtVS
AUTHOR: Sandycat
RATING: One naughty word, I'd say PG-13.
DISCLAIMER: Yep, who woulda thunk it, BtVS belongs to Joss and Warner Bros...
WARNING: Completely irreverent/irrelevant just me on a five minute scribble fest. I'm mocking the show affectionately, BTW, for all you flamers out there (though I still think Joss has issues on the subject of sex, dammit!;-))
FEEDBACK: Feel free, although I admit this isn't exactly fic to rhapsodise over, or fic at all, really... But email me privately at: beehre@ihug.co.nz if you have something to say that doesn't involve the desire to nail any part of me to a fence... ;-)


Thirteen Life lessons I have learned from BtVS, or: How Joss made me realise I am an unknowing minion of the powers of Darkness...

1. Only those without souls crave nicotine. Which brings a whole new dimension to the post-coital smoke... and speaking of that...

2. Sex is evil, physical expressions of love inevitably either end in tragedy (Buffy/Angel, Giles/Jenny) or are a crude means of relieving tension (Faith/Xander) that will leave you scarred. Oh, and girls that enjoy sex, or (gasp) have one-nighters, are sluts doomed to turn to the dark side. In fact, anyone even remotely sensual is heading for trouble (Jenny, Buffy) and all mortal guys are abusive sex maniacs (see: just about anyone that has ever hit on Buffy. But don't worry-- they pay for it by either being outright dead, a vampire, or a giant fish by the end of the episode.)

3. However, if you stick a big sword into your lover, (Freudian imagery anyone?) or remain a perpetual virgin, you're allowed back onto the lightside to defend the forces of righteousness. (Perhaps Joss didn't get laid on prom night. He's certainly got an enormous virgin/whore complex...)

4. Alcohol, too, is utilised solely by the soulless, (Spike), the darkly unpredictable (Giles in a Ripper-esque mood) or the completely clueless (Joyce) oh, and the Irish, for some reason...

5. Brits are dodgy. They're either outright evil (Spike, Dru, that Watcher woman) have repressed dark sides (Giles) or are into chaos and worship bizarre Roman Gods (Ethan) They're also majorly into large, suspiciously Illuminati-like organisations (The Watchers Council.)

6.Also, whilst in US colleges students are busy with keggers and fraternities; in the UK university students spend most of their valuable drinking/wenching/partying time courting the powers of darkness, and trying to raise demons. Cultural differences, who knew?

7. Tattoos are bad. They will either summon demons, (Giles/Ethan/Buffy) or be actually emblazoned *on* demons (Angelus). However, tattoo removal is a relatively inexpensive, quick and easy process. (Buffy's Eyghon tattoo)

8. If you can't think of a word that will get past the censors, settle for making up a descriptive one (wrinklies), or using Euro-talk. You can get away with a lot of naughtiness that way (Imagine if instead of 'wanker' or 'shag', they'd used 'masturbator' or 'fuck'-- not quite the same ring, yeah? 'Balls' instead of 'bollocks', and 'up your arse' instead of 'bugger'-- can't see it happening anytime soon...)

9. The English wear tweed. All of them. All the time. If they're female they supplement it with pearls. And they're reserved. Unless they're undead, in which case empire dresses in the staple colours of red and black will do fine.

10. Bad people wear black leather, or other shiny black substances. The forces of good wear pastels. See: Faith, Angelus, Spike, Ripper (in teen photo), for examples of leather chic. And Buffy, as an example of pastel overkill.

11. Nudity is evil. You'll go to the bad if you're comfortable with it (see Faith) And if you appear with even the suggestion of nudity you'll end up sending your boyfriend to hell (Buffy). Oh, and everyone in Hell is naked, so it must be bad. (Angel) Even partial nudity can threaten to turn you into a giant mutant fish (Xander) or just get you shoved outside into the cold.

12. People with cockney accents are unequivocally bad. They're either vampires (Spike & Dru) or demon worshipping, crazed Watcher monkeys (Ripper). Or Ethan Rayne. Either way, they have no respect for law and order. They do, however, have very good cheekbones.

13. The forces of evil have snappy comebacks. The forces of good stutter. (Well, okay, only Willow and Giles do, and not all the time... I just liked the sound of it, alright?)

So basically, BtVS has taught me that evil is anyone who smokes, drinks, gets laid, and indulges in snappy repartee... hmmm... in other words, evil is the way to go!

I know I'm insane...

It's a mad house, a *maaaaaad* house!